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Hi Sober Tribe

It’s sober day 349 for me.

Going strong to one year and definitely going on from here. 

Over the last 11+ months, I’ve had many valuable lessons: how to accept my addiction and how to think (a lot) about alcohol and its consequences. 

Over time, sober has gradually become my new normal.

I don’t miss wine, I don’t miss beer and I don’t miss whiskey (but sometimes I still long for an Aperol Spritz, a cocktail I didn’t even use to drink that often). 

The last months have been for more than simply getting sober, it’s been a journey, taking time to reflect about my priorities, what brings me joy and stuff I need to face (instead of washing shitty days away with drinks). 

I left alcohol, resigned from my 21 years corporate job. I had to learn to better listen to people – without alcohol it’s harder for me to sit for hours after dinner, but instead of talking a lot, I’m now (a little bit more) able to actively listen to others. 

Getting sober is a bumpy road, but the journey with all of you on the sober bus has changed my life for good. 

All the best!

Kai  

I met her when I was about 15 years old. She was lush. She was called Holly. We made friends almost instantly. I was with my school friends hanging out at the local park one Friday night in my hometown of Bristol. She just appeared and started chilling with us. I remember it being a really funny night. She thought we were a cool bunch too and we all agreed to hang out again. After that, I’d see her about once a week, usually at the weekend.

I had a Saturday job at the shop up the road. I was paid a pittance, so after a laborious day mostly twiddling my thumbs, I’d spend every hard-earned penny on going out that night. I’d always meet up with Holly at my mum’s house, before going into town. She’d turn up looking so glamorous. Most of us were jealous of her. She just seemed to always pull it off. Her long thick black hair looked gorgeous and she was always bang up to date with fashion. On trend, at the time, being short dresses, tights and high heeled boots. (It was the mid-nineties by the way.) My sister, Tracey loved Holly too, not as much as I did though. The three of us used to laugh and dance around the bedroom whilst getting ready for our night out. Hols always brought the fun side out in us. I remember one time we recorded a radio show on cassette tape. It was the station of the nation at the time. We listened to Bros, ‘Cat among the Pigeons’ and Kylie and stuff.

We remained the best of friends for years. After I’d graduated from film school, I decided to move to London because that’s where all the work was. Holly decided to move to London too. I didn’t think this was a problem. On the contrary, I was so excited and thought nothing of it. I was starting my career in the ‘big smoke’ and my best friend was coming too. How perfect! We had some really good times in London. I’d see her every weekend and some nights in the week after work. We even went on holiday together, which I absolutely loved. My boyfriend at the time thought I had an ‘unhealthy relationship’ with her. What a load of old crap! She was my best mate. Best mates spend a lot of time together. Through thick and thin, right?

We partied hard sometimes and she made me do the craziest things. She always managed to make me feel more confident, just because she was, I suppose. But you just get used to it, that was Holly, just who she was. She always made it seem OK to go a bit mental sometimes. She’d often disappear without saying a word the next day leaving me feeling miserable about what I’d done the night before. Although, I never stayed mad at her for long.

After a few years living the high life in the capital, earning good money in the TV industry and hanging out with pretentious people, I suddenly seemed to be suffering from a kind of breakdown with no idea why. I had developed bipolar disorder, although I didn’t know this at the time, and was diagnosed a couple of years later. Holly was there with me every step of the way, through some pretty dark times. I split up with my boyfriend after almost 10 years and had to move back home. I never took her for granted and felt I owed her a lot.

I later learnt that bipolar (formerly called manic depression) is a chemical imbalance in the brain known as a mood disorder. It’s called this because of the opposite ends of the poles; up and down. I would have episodes of being hypomanic where I’d wake up early, talk too much, rush around, spend loads of money and generally take risks with anything and everything. For example, I’d upped and left everything I’d worked so hard for, including a perfectly happy relationship, a job with amazing prospects and many new friends. Not to mention the pricey one bedroom flat that I’d bought. This was me being hypomanic. You don’t get a taxi from London to Bristol costing £300 when you’re ‘stable’. (One of my home town mates was having a baby and the trains were on strike.) My £3,500 mobile phone bill was eventually framed in gold in my hallway.

Other times I’d feel depressed, where I’d sleep loads, wouldn’t go out, found it difficult to speak to people and thought I’d be better off dead. One time my poor mum had to take me to A&E after I’d taken an overdose. I had to go on a drip to make it better. Holly steered clear when I was in hospital but she was the first person I saw when I was discharged. I was offered a couple of really good jobs in television but had to turn them down because I just wasn’t well enough. I’d also met this guy, Kyle, who I started developing feelings for. I turned him down so many times. He kept phoning up, asking me if I wanted to go out with him and I kept saying, “No I can’t. Sorry.”

When I was ‘hyper’, Hols loved it. It went with her personality and she revelled in it when I was ‘up’. You’d think she would’ve scarpered when I became low a few months later, but no, she was there, especially when I was suicidal. Bless her, such a true friend!

I’d been living back at home for a few months and my illness was progressing. Holly started acting a bit weirdly, and was turning up at my house in the morning when I was supposed to be asleep or out doing things. Because she was my best friend and had helped me so much I just took it. I didn’t realise it was becoming a problem at the time. It felt like she was beginning to stalk me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t make a big deal of it because all my friends and family still thought she was the ‘bee’s knees’, so even though she could be a bit of a nightmare I always forgave her.

During the next couple of years I experienced some close family bereavements. My dad was assaulted which led to his untimely death. 10 months later my father-in-law (to be) committed suicide and a year after that my step mother died from a heart infection. My family were of course most supportive, and all my friends, and yet again, Holly was there to put a smile on my face. Through the worst times, she was there. She stuck by me through what turned out to be quite a bad few years. She showed what a good friend she was. I’d been through so much I needed her more than ever.

It was different to the old days though, when we were teenagers and in our twenties. Then we used to party and laugh so much. It was a lot more carefree and I guess I didn’t see her as often. Also we went through a stage where we just enjoyed each other’s company. But now it was different. I relied on her so much and our friendship seemed to be a lot more serious. Not as jolly as it was when we were younger.

I was coming to terms with my illness, receiving regular counselling and taking various medications to help me through the episodes. I went to bereavement counselling also and although the pain will always be there it does get easier with time. I even had a couple of jobs which I enjoyed and Kyle had finally convinced me to give it a go. That was one of my better decisions!

I was finally becoming happy again (properly happy, not bipolar happy!) I was in my mid-thirties by now. I’d met my true love, got married and had a baby. These were the things I’d always dreamed of. I think, because my dreams were finally coming true, Holly was beginning to show her jealous side. She started coming round to my house even more often. I was happy again so why couldn’t she just leave me alone? I began to feel suffocated by her and wondered why someone I cherished so much was making me feel sad.

She was up to her usual tricks. She always had the most amazing way of persuading me that it was still cool to hang out so much. She made me laugh and party again. But then sometimes she was so over the top it would be embarrassing and I’d regret some days that I’d hung out with her. I found myself becoming more rebellious, and sometimes even secretive and dishonest and that wasn’t me. I had started to blame Holly. It was getting harder to forgive her. We weren’t kids anymore, and now I had responsibilities.

She slowly started becoming ‘stalker-like’ again and I thought I couldn’t let this happen. I’d already forgiven her a number of times. If I kept letting her do this she’d never stop. She was becoming toxic. It was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done but I had to end our friendship.

She kept saying to me, “But I’ve known you for years. We go back you and me. Remember all the good times? It’ll be weird without me in your life.”

She had a point. What was I going to do without her? She was my best friend, my confidante. We’d been through so much together over a very long period of my life. But I had to weigh things up in my head. It was hard but I knew she wasn’t good for me. I had to think about my husband, my baby and most of all myself.

I finally decided to break friends with Holly. My other friends and family were all really pleased as they had begun to see what a bad influence she had become. (I know they all still liked her though. Everyone likes Holly.) She did leave in the end, threatening to come back at any time. I told her not to.

Yes. I had finally given up my best friend; alcohol.

THE END

Copyright Alicia Quinn

July 2019

Dear alcohol,

It’s been a long time coming and It’s not been easy to stay away from you, when life’s thrown things at me you were the first thing I’d run to but I’m not running away with you anymore. There was a time when I thought you would solve all my problems but you left me lonelier, unhappier, angrier and with more problems than before. instead of numbing the wound you reopened it and I felt your sting.

When I first took you I thought I was welcome to come and go as I pleased but I chased you more and more for what i thought was a relief, but only a false sense of freedom from pain you could give. you entrapped me silently like a cunning snake taking a hold of its pray slowly crushing it to its death. Like quick sand or sinking mud you were something I should of stayed away from, the moment I drank you I was playing with fire.

You changed the person I was, gentle happy giggly shy into a arrogant argumentative bitter and poisoned existence. Now I see you for the poison you are and how you poisoned me, without you I feel my old self again. Without you the sun shines brighter the birds sing louder and when i look outside my window its no longer black and white i can see colour again.

I no longer see the world as a bleak place to escape from but a place full of opportunity and new beginnings. Your love was a lie, your comfort was a lie, your support was a lie, everything I thought you were was a lie, a lie I wanted to believe and I did. My eyes are open now and I can see you for what you really are and I’m not lying for you anymore.

I am no longer under your illusion and I will no longer let you cloud my judgement. All the things I thought I could be with you were untrue I could never be free happy or healed with you in my life.

I’m writing this letter to say goodbye and to acknowledge the pain you cause to remind myself that your liar and I’ll never have any of the things I want and deserve to have and be as long as you are in my life.

It took a long time to get here,  i have come along way and still have a long way to go, but with my new found hope and desires you once robbed from me, I will rebuild myself piece by piece.

My Love,

I apologise for the sending this letter of explanation only months down the line (you must be going mad wondering what you did wrong) but I needed some time out, some space and to be alone for a while and sadly but most definitely could NOT chat to you.

I often wonder what my life would have been if I’d never been introduced to you; but I can’t as you’ve all I’ve ever known and you have been my “person’ since forever.

You were a very big part of my family, ok let’s be honest you were family, when growing up and I clearly remember you being with us always. No matter the occasion, who was there or where we were, you always stood out. I look back over the years and can’t quiet remember what the celebration was for, who was there, where we were but I always remember you being there. My parents invited you everywhere with us – you were the only constant in my life.

So, it’s no surprise that I fell for you. Since my teens you have watched me “grow”. We have absolutely no secrets between us.  From school to college, you’ve met all my friends and boyfriends and you even ‘introduced’ me to my husband. He loved you as much as I did but after a few years he realized perhaps you weren’t as great as we all thought and he distanced himself from you. I thought he was being overdramatic and I continued our relationship and we all (hubby, me and you) thrived together. Well I thought so anyway. I sometimes think he was angry at you or perhaps jealous – well these were his issues not yours and mine.

You were at our wedding, obviously, came on every holiday with us, witnessed the birth of my two children albeit at a distance. think pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding made you squeamish but you were soon back with a vengeance. I found like minded friends who loved you as I did and many afternoons, lunches, evenings, parties, events were celebrated with you. You were amazing. We were fabulous.

Or were we?

You were my first love, constant love and forever love.  We were an amazing team and being apart was NOT an option.  

Many times, I did wonder if our bond was toxic and unhealthy, actually if I’m honest I knew our relationship was toxic, but leaving you behind was unimaginable, incomprehensible, unfathomable (yip, you can guess all the synonyms) and frankly fucking scary. So, we continued “thriving” together battered and bruised the next morning, remorseful, often nauseous but always trying to maintain perfection through a blur of lies.

I was always upbeat (encouraging, positive, friendly) a fabulous Mom and wife (class mom, PTA, horse mom and groom, homework always done, meals always cooked) sporty (did cycle races, iron man, marathons,) all in an attempt to keep you around and show how you didn’t affect me, how I still continue being fabulous, can still handle our relationship. All just a smoke screen I now realize.

Sadly, I soon came to the realization that our relationship was taking its toll on my daughters (now grown up and who can see you and I for themselves), my ever patient and supportive husband and a few friends who were bored of you and I constantly attached to the hip – wherever I went you came along-no matter what.  I knew something had to give.

Guilt was the biggest burden all round and it was all consuming – only someone who is as infatuated with you as I was would understand the constant, nagging, unrelenting guilt.

So, after a lot of praying, soul searching, reaching out I did the bravest and scariest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life, 6 months, 3 days, 5 hours, 28minutes and 17 seconds ago I said good bye to you forever.

I’m not going to remind you, or myself for that matter, of the sordid, sad, pathetic, shameless, mad things we did together; although at the time we thought they were amazing, wonderful, amusing and fun. No, I’m going to focus on the positive that’s come since saying goodbye.

My relationship with my daughters and husband has improved 100% first and foremost. I was always and I mean always feeling guilty so was always trying to compensate and never being the ‘parent”, I should have been.

I have complete new-found confidence which I never thought was possible. Wasn’t I always confident? Umm no I wasn’t- you gave me the confidence and courage (smokescreen 1) -but now I have self-belief which brings a new and different kind confidence on its own. I was always healthy, drank litres of water and aware of what I ate and drank except when I was with you (smoke screen 2). I always made allowances for you. ALWAYS. Anyway, as it turns out I was never really that healthy. Ok so I did lots of sports (smokescreen 3), I was fit and strong. Again, just a smoke screen so people wouldn’t see the real me.

Anyways, if you are still reading and haven’t fallen asleep with my smugness and new-found freedom let me say how every day I wake up feeling refreshed after a fantastic night’s sleep. I’m now honest with myself and everyone else. I can look people in the eye for the first time in forever.

I never for one-minute take for granted how you could walk straight back into my life and I’d take you back in a heartbeat but I take each day at a time. I read (yip I actually read again and remember what I’ve read), still do my sports but with a clear head and being more focused, way fitter and stronger. I enjoy dinners out without you being the main focus and actually eat my meals which are delicious by the way. I enjoy time at home and not always planning a “celebration” just to be with you – any excuse would do. I’ve found new hobbies, do yoga and strength training whilst continuing my other sports. I’m looking good even if I do say so myself – I’ve lost 7kg’s and many centimetres, my skin glows and I look younger than I have for years.  I just love, love, love the compliments I keep receiving from others. I spend hours doing puzzles and blockbusters. Holidays away are amazing and adventurous and busy – I don’t have you to distract me from lunch time onwards. I seem to have so much time (who knew so much time existed?). I still meet up with friends for lunches or coffee (some friends miss you and are not as keen to invite me anymore – I think they actually preferred you to me anyway, so it’s their loss)

I miss you on occasion but am learning to live without you and oh, how amazing, fabulous, brilliant and most of all liberating its been.  

My biggest irritation is why, oh why did my parents ever introduce us? Why did they not discourage our relationship? Instead they seemed to cheer (ha ha excuse the pun) the relationship. I think I know the answer though – if they couldn’t beat you then they may as well drag me along with them and with you.  Sadly, for me, they will always continue to love you.

AND my biggest, biggest regret is that I didn’t have the courage or strength to leave you way sooner. Why did I let you consume so many of my years?

Good bye my love

FRIEND OR FOE?

You were there for me to enhance my mood when I was happy, partying and socialising.

You were there for me to  block out emotions when I was sad, depressed, bewildered, stressed and anxious.

You never judged me or talked back, you just calmed me down and offered a form of escape from my own troubled mind.

You never left my side. I knew I had you as a crutch to lean  when I couldn’t confide in anyone else. You were my comfort and escape from the reality I choose not to accept.

You came in may strengths, colours and flavours  and never failed to sweep me along to a place of mindless isolated escapism.

You were a massive part of my life but, I never asked you to take over my life; my family; my relationships; my work; my finance; my personality; my physical and emotional well-being. However, to my own regret and despair, I let you, I choose you to think for me. I never fought back, I stupidly thought I couldn’t cope without you. I tried to live without you but you wouldn’t let me, you just wanted me to merely exist with you. I was too weak to fight back.

You took over my mind, thoughts and emotions. You are not a friend, you tried to destroy the identity I possessed before I met you. I wish I never met you.

You may always tempt me in some capacity when I am weak and vulnerable, however, I am now wise to your deceitful advances. I have witnessed and experienced the consequences of letting you back into my life again. You can’t harm me if I let you go. I am in control of my life, not you. I make my own positive choices with a clear mind, free from you. You make choices which are negative and destructive for me. Only I can end our relationship which is toxic and past it’s expiry date. I want and need to eliminate you from my life because you are preventing me from living the happy and fulfilled life that  I am worthy and capable of achieving . Whatever life throws at me I will manage my reactions through the power within me and the support of those who love and accept me, for just BEING ME.

Maresa

Hello my friend. 

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t spend another Sunday in terror for what I may have done, with hangxiety – apologizing to everyone I saw on my night out. Too afraid to look at my call log. My YouTube history. My what’s apps… 

I can’t hide away from my feelings, use you as a crutch for confidence, to feel safer, cooler, more together. Because you actually make me feel the complete opposite. 

Every week I say it’s done. We’re done. The wine that went from a glass to a bottle to two. The beers that went from 4 to 6 to 12. The Jager. The tequila. Every week I say no more and every week Friday nights happen. I am powerless when it comes to you. I can’t say no. And even though it’s only once a week, we can’t continue to be in each other’s lives. 

I’m writing this to tell you we’re over. I’ve found a meeting. I’m giving you up. You’re ruining my face, my mental health and my life. It will be hard. I will miss you so much come Friday and I’m not quite sure how I’ll celebrate or commiserate without you, but I’ll figure it out. 

I’ve loved you for a long time and I’ve realized that you have never loved me back. Not once. I’ve given you everything and you’ve given me nothing but anxiety. 

I’ve always said if binge drinking was a sport, I’d be an Olympic gold medalist. Not any more. 

Thank you for the laughs. For the tears. For the lessons. 

I will probably always love you but sometimes you need to leave things you love behind in order to be better at being you. 

Goodbye. Forever. 

X

Dear ‘friend’ ….

On the eve of my one year anniversary since I said goodbye to you, I’m reminiscing about our relationship, trying to remember the so called good times we had. The good times I thought I was going to miss. The good times I thought I could never live without, and mostly the bad which at the time I was too blind to see.

It has been the best decision that I’ve ever made. I have learnt so much about myself. I’ve learnt so much about our society we live in.

How many broken people are out there. When we think about broken people, we think of the people sitting on the corner of a street, or lying next to the road, drunk. Homeless people. People in rehabs, or not yet, or that can’t afford help. Never the middle class, going to fancy food markets, drinking craft gins in beautifully presented glasses, or beautiful big glasses of crisp wine on a summer’s day at a restaurant with a beautiful view. Or just at your home entertaining friends with an endless supply of champers and wine and beer.

For me now, that have gone through this journey and realising that you don’t need all that to make a summer special or friends memorable. There is nothing good about drinking it has no purpose. Like my dear husband said, all it does is make strong men and women weak.

We have ‘lost’ friends, and I put it ‘lost’ because did we ever have them.

I find so many people shocked, mesmerized, unsettled, obsessed, intrigued by our choice not to drink. When all it actually means is that they don’t want to look into themselves like we did, so rather focus on other people and situations, just like alcohol did – numb all uncomfortable feelings.

If I had a Rand for every person after every night after having a chat about our decision (which is often most of the night), that said ‘I am lucky, I can stop any time’, I would be very rich. Well why don’t you stop?! Why do you like throwing money down your throat with no good coming out of it.

Don’t you want to be the best person with clear thoughts and decisions at any given time?

I was listening to Eusebius’ show last week on radio,  talking about a law that government is proposing – arresting pregnant woman who drinks. And it made me think, debating with myself in my head. Should we or shouldn’t we? South Africa has the highest incidences of Alcohol Foetal Syndrome.

Are we not all to blame. We look at people who go to rehab as the alcoholics, but we have no problem finishing two bottles of wine at a family lunch with our kids around. I mean even doctors will say one or two glasses of wine when pregnant is not a problem. But we are fine, we can handle it. It is all good because we are not in a shebeen ….. mmmm, what’s the difference. The only difference is how we justify it in our heads.

But how many people can actually moderate? I most certainly can’t.

Alcoholics take secret sips from a hidden bottle in the cupboard, and can’t stop themselves.

We go to a kids event or kids parties, and have no problem have 3 or 4 or 6  beers or 3 glasses of wine or champers, get in our cars and drive home, all in view of our kids and with our kids. This is the example we give our kids of how absolutely normal and acceptable it is to drink. We are not the best we are at that moment.

Why would kids when offered to drink with their friends not say no to it, we showed them how acceptable it is. Not to mention how we shun them to go and play and not be around the adults in these ‘events’, creating even more self-worth issues which alcohol is all too ready to pick up the pieces and fill the spot.

Not so long ago, during school holidays we went camping. They had a holiday program to keep the young and old entertained at the pool. One of the games for the adults was to eat a Marie Biscuit and then down a beer. Now in my drinking days I would have just thought this is quite funny, but now with my sober glasses on, I was looking at this spectacle, with ‘the contestants’ kids cheering them on. How normal we’ve made our bad drinking habits. How are we shocked and disappointed then when our kids do the same.

My husband whilst driving with my 5 year old was reprimanding a fellow motorist for talking on his phone when my son gently reminded him that he also did it the other day. No come back to that.

I guess my point what I would like to make is that alcohol does not discriminate and it is an extremely addictive drug that is so socially and emotionally acceptable but it destroys so many beautiful people. Alcohol robs so much potential from awesome people.

It IS a tough journey to listen to those inner voices but once you accept your beautiful self and realise that you are not the problem,  life becomes just so much more beautiful.

For the past 365 days, I have had no sudden wake ups with guilt in the middle of the night.  No facing people or situations on the back foot, wondering if I behaved badly, because that is the gift my dearest friend gave me in return for the time spent with her.

So I am happy to say goodbye, you are not missed. And my kids would like to say thank you.

Chané

Dear Alcohol,

Thank you for the fantastic years together; you have been a great friend for so long.

You have brought endless fun, gotten me into many hilarious and disturbing situations, got me laid, hired, fired, sent to A&E and even to a little town called Manningtree, when I was supposed to be at the church.

We’ve had so much fun together over the years.

We’ve had some laughs, we’ve had some tears.

But things have changed for me now; there are so many things I want to achieve in this life and you are holding me back.

I find it really painful to tell you this truth because you’ve been such a good friend, but I can’t be around you anymore.

You are destructive, and you have started to ruin parts of my life.

I didn’t realise you were doing this; you’ve been doing it all behind my back.

I wake up each day hearing stories of what you have been doing to me.

The lies, the pain.

I’ve come to realise that I don’t need you anymore. All the time I thought you were helping, you were destroying.

It’s heartbreaking that I put so much trust, money and time into our relationship, and you have been so cunning and deceitful.

The destruction to my family and my body and my life plans. I can’t take any more of this.

So I have to let you go. I don’t want you to call me.

Don’t chase me; just leave me, as I have moved on.

Take care, my friend.

*Ruari is a sobriety advocate who runs the  One Year No Beer program.