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FRIEND OR FOE?

You were there for me to enhance my mood when I was happy, partying and socialising.

You were there for me to  block out emotions when I was sad, depressed, bewildered, stressed and anxious.

You never judged me or talked back, you just calmed me down and offered a form of escape from my own troubled mind.

You never left my side. I knew I had you as a crutch to lean  when I couldn’t confide in anyone else. You were my comfort and escape from the reality I choose not to accept.

You came in may strengths, colours and flavours  and never failed to sweep me along to a place of mindless isolated escapism.

You were a massive part of my life but, I never asked you to take over my life; my family; my relationships; my work; my finance; my personality; my physical and emotional well-being. However, to my own regret and despair, I let you, I choose you to think for me. I never fought back, I stupidly thought I couldn’t cope without you. I tried to live without you but you wouldn’t let me, you just wanted me to merely exist with you. I was too weak to fight back.

You took over my mind, thoughts and emotions. You are not a friend, you tried to destroy the identity I possessed before I met you. I wish I never met you.

You may always tempt me in some capacity when I am weak and vulnerable, however, I am now wise to your deceitful advances. I have witnessed and experienced the consequences of letting you back into my life again. You can’t harm me if I let you go. I am in control of my life, not you. I make my own positive choices with a clear mind, free from you. You make choices which are negative and destructive for me. Only I can end our relationship which is toxic and past it’s expiry date. I want and need to eliminate you from my life because you are preventing me from living the happy and fulfilled life that  I am worthy and capable of achieving . Whatever life throws at me I will manage my reactions through the power within me and the support of those who love and accept me, for just BEING ME.

Maresa

Hello my friend. 

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t spend another Sunday in terror for what I may have done, with hangxiety – apologizing to everyone I saw on my night out. Too afraid to look at my call log. My YouTube history. My what’s apps… 

I can’t hide away from my feelings, use you as a crutch for confidence, to feel safer, cooler, more together. Because you actually make me feel the complete opposite. 

Every week I say it’s done. We’re done. The wine that went from a glass to a bottle to two. The beers that went from 4 to 6 to 12. The Jager. The tequila. Every week I say no more and every week Friday nights happen. I am powerless when it comes to you. I can’t say no. And even though it’s only once a week, we can’t continue to be in each other’s lives. 

I’m writing this to tell you we’re over. I’ve found a meeting. I’m giving you up. You’re ruining my face, my mental health and my life. It will be hard. I will miss you so much come Friday and I’m not quite sure how I’ll celebrate or commiserate without you, but I’ll figure it out. 

I’ve loved you for a long time and I’ve realized that you have never loved me back. Not once. I’ve given you everything and you’ve given me nothing but anxiety. 

I’ve always said if binge drinking was a sport, I’d be an Olympic gold medalist. Not any more. 

Thank you for the laughs. For the tears. For the lessons. 

I will probably always love you but sometimes you need to leave things you love behind in order to be better at being you. 

Goodbye. Forever. 

X

Dear ‘friend’ ….

On the eve of my one year anniversary since I said goodbye to you, I’m reminiscing about our relationship, trying to remember the so called good times we had. The good times I thought I was going to miss. The good times I thought I could never live without, and mostly the bad which at the time I was too blind to see.

It has been the best decision that I’ve ever made. I have learnt so much about myself. I’ve learnt so much about our society we live in.

How many broken people are out there. When we think about broken people, we think of the people sitting on the corner of a street, or lying next to the road, drunk. Homeless people. People in rehabs, or not yet, or that can’t afford help. Never the middle class, going to fancy food markets, drinking craft gins in beautifully presented glasses, or beautiful big glasses of crisp wine on a summer’s day at a restaurant with a beautiful view. Or just at your home entertaining friends with an endless supply of champers and wine and beer.

For me now, that have gone through this journey and realising that you don’t need all that to make a summer special or friends memorable. There is nothing good about drinking it has no purpose. Like my dear husband said, all it does is make strong men and women weak.

We have ‘lost’ friends, and I put it ‘lost’ because did we ever have them.

I find so many people shocked, mesmerized, unsettled, obsessed, intrigued by our choice not to drink. When all it actually means is that they don’t want to look into themselves like we did, so rather focus on other people and situations, just like alcohol did – numb all uncomfortable feelings.

If I had a Rand for every person after every night after having a chat about our decision (which is often most of the night), that said ‘I am lucky, I can stop any time’, I would be very rich. Well why don’t you stop?! Why do you like throwing money down your throat with no good coming out of it.

Don’t you want to be the best person with clear thoughts and decisions at any given time?

I was listening to Eusebius’ show last week on radio,  talking about a law that government is proposing – arresting pregnant woman who drinks. And it made me think, debating with myself in my head. Should we or shouldn’t we? South Africa has the highest incidences of Alcohol Foetal Syndrome.

Are we not all to blame. We look at people who go to rehab as the alcoholics, but we have no problem finishing two bottles of wine at a family lunch with our kids around. I mean even doctors will say one or two glasses of wine when pregnant is not a problem. But we are fine, we can handle it. It is all good because we are not in a shebeen ….. mmmm, what’s the difference. The only difference is how we justify it in our heads.

But how many people can actually moderate? I most certainly can’t.

Alcoholics take secret sips from a hidden bottle in the cupboard, and can’t stop themselves.

We go to a kids event or kids parties, and have no problem have 3 or 4 or 6  beers or 3 glasses of wine or champers, get in our cars and drive home, all in view of our kids and with our kids. This is the example we give our kids of how absolutely normal and acceptable it is to drink. We are not the best we are at that moment.

Why would kids when offered to drink with their friends not say no to it, we showed them how acceptable it is. Not to mention how we shun them to go and play and not be around the adults in these ‘events’, creating even more self-worth issues which alcohol is all too ready to pick up the pieces and fill the spot.

Not so long ago, during school holidays we went camping. They had a holiday program to keep the young and old entertained at the pool. One of the games for the adults was to eat a Marie Biscuit and then down a beer. Now in my drinking days I would have just thought this is quite funny, but now with my sober glasses on, I was looking at this spectacle, with ‘the contestants’ kids cheering them on. How normal we’ve made our bad drinking habits. How are we shocked and disappointed then when our kids do the same.

My husband whilst driving with my 5 year old was reprimanding a fellow motorist for talking on his phone when my son gently reminded him that he also did it the other day. No come back to that.

I guess my point what I would like to make is that alcohol does not discriminate and it is an extremely addictive drug that is so socially and emotionally acceptable but it destroys so many beautiful people. Alcohol robs so much potential from awesome people.

It IS a tough journey to listen to those inner voices but once you accept your beautiful self and realise that you are not the problem,  life becomes just so much more beautiful.

For the past 365 days, I have had no sudden wake ups with guilt in the middle of the night.  No facing people or situations on the back foot, wondering if I behaved badly, because that is the gift my dearest friend gave me in return for the time spent with her.

So I am happy to say goodbye, you are not missed. And my kids would like to say thank you.

Chané

Dear Alcohol,

Thank you for the fantastic years together; you have been a great friend for so long.

You have brought endless fun, gotten me into many hilarious and disturbing situations, got me laid, hired, fired, sent to A&E and even to a little town called Manningtree, when I was supposed to be at the church.

We’ve had so much fun together over the years.

We’ve had some laughs, we’ve had some tears.

But things have changed for me now; there are so many things I want to achieve in this life and you are holding me back.

I find it really painful to tell you this truth because you’ve been such a good friend, but I can’t be around you anymore.

You are destructive, and you have started to ruin parts of my life.

I didn’t realise you were doing this; you’ve been doing it all behind my back.

I wake up each day hearing stories of what you have been doing to me.

The lies, the pain.

I’ve come to realise that I don’t need you anymore. All the time I thought you were helping, you were destroying.

It’s heartbreaking that I put so much trust, money and time into our relationship, and you have been so cunning and deceitful.

The destruction to my family and my body and my life plans. I can’t take any more of this.

So I have to let you go. I don’t want you to call me.

Don’t chase me; just leave me, as I have moved on.

Take care, my friend.

*Ruari is a sobriety advocate who runs the  One Year No Beer program.